


hope (ville)

by PurpleAsters



Category: ATEEZ (Band), NOIR (Korea Band), SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-11-28 12:04:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20966267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleAsters/pseuds/PurpleAsters
Summary: " hello, my name's San and I think I want to die... "psychiatric hospital au!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! ~
> 
> I'm back with another fic, because I don't know when to stop~
> 
> before I start, please note that some of the people tagged won't be in to story much! most of them are mentioned and make small appearances!
> 
> also please notw the warning tags!  
I'm NOT going to be tagging then chapter by chapter! 
> 
> this story is also on WATTPAD under the same username as here! ~
> 
> any questions, leave me a comment! ~  
enjoy!

Breathing is hard, that's a fact.  
Although it's a thing your body does automatically, sometimes you think about it and suddenly you have to force your lungs to inhale and exhale at the right moments so you don't suffocate. 

San forgets how to breathe a lot. He's too busy with the silence in his head for his body to think to itself, "okay, now exhale" or for his brain to send that thought to his throat of "okay, now swallow". 

He's been like this for so long, and sometimes he fucks up and inhales his own spit. 

Growing up he heard about how with depression people normally hear a voice in their head, it's their own voices but it takes a mind of its own and says mean things. But for San it's silent. He thinks about what he's doing at that moment, if he's watching a movie he thinks about the scene and how it's playing with the story, if he's eating what little he does he thinks about the taste and how it looks. Never does he hear a voice say "stop thinking they care" or "you'll get fatter if you eat that". 

It's overwhelming silence.

He's not sure what that means, and he can't explain it, because how do you put words to feelings and be accurate?

San doesnt feel emotions like he should, no, instead he feels a constant state of numbness and random spurts of anger. Happiness is once in a blue moon, and normally comes from negative things. Nothing macabre, but rainy days and sad movies. 

Maybe he's a bit more fucked up than he tells his doctor. He still hasn't told her he hasn't taken his medication in four months, no, he just asks for refills when the time comes and puts the new bottle next to the old ones. 

He tells her he doesn't think about self harm, or that he should be dead, he doesn't say that he hasn't felt like breathing in months or that her red lipstick pisses him off. He doesn't tell her that his thighs are tender, or that his long sleeves cover shredded wrists, and she doesn't check because he told her he hasn't touched a blade in a year. 

Maybe that makes him a liar, maybe that makes the people around him fools because they believe him. 

Maybe he's a fool to think he could get away with it. 

San stared at himself in the mirror, cocking his head to the side as he looked at the way his clothes hugged him, how his hair was dark and messy, curling at the ends for some reason, his skin looked too pale and his eyes seemed darker than normal. Today was a bad day, and bad days meant not being able to put up the front of his normal happy puppy attitude. 

Bad days meant that the scars on his wrists and thighs felt heavier, and that the call of something sharp was louder. Food seemed less pleasant, so he'd skip eating. On bad days, his mother's sweet voice was shrill and annoying, his brothers face pissed him off and his backpacks color made him hate the damn thing. 

Bad days meant bad thoughts in a normally silent head, bad days meant suicidal tendencies and longing glances at knives. 

Today however he forced a smile on his face and left the bathroom. 

His mother was in the kitchen, happily cooking lunch for the two before his behavioral health appointment. He gives he a smile as she turns to him in greetings while sliding him a small sandwich. He looks at the bread, lettuce and meat and shakes his head, mumbling a small excuse of an upset stomach. His mother frowns but nods and goes to put it up for leftovers. 

They leave the house in silence, it's odd and San has a sinking feeling in his stomach. It's like something is about to happen, and it worries him. 

The drive is also silent, only the hum of the cars engine and the soft playing of the radio is heard. It's calming in a way. 

As they pull into the doctor's office, the feeling in San's stomach intensifies, worry makes its way further into his throat and forms a lump that he can't swallow. 

The feeling continues to build, even when the wait for five minutes, and when he leaves the waiting room for his physical. The feeling is still growing as the nurse tells him to gain more weight and that his heart rate is up. Finally it stops when he enters the office. 

It's sudden and leaves so quickly it almost knocks his breath out, the reason is because his doctor isn't alone today. She had a man beside her, and San suddenly knows he's fucked today. 

He knows he's fucked as soon as he sits down and feels their eyes on his thin body, he knows when he sees the man look at his sleeve covered wrists and fidgeting fingers, he knows he's fucked when his therapist opens her mouth to ask him to show his arms. 

And he does so, slowly and painfully. 

He can hear the sharp intakes of breath from both of the others in the room, and suddenly San feels like crying. 

Because he can't lie anymore, because it's been figured out. 

He doesn't let his eyes overflow until his mother is called in. Because as soon as she sees his skin and her face pales he can't hold it in anymore. Because he knows he's fucked. 

San doesn't listen as the doctor explains wanting to send him away, he doesn't listen when his mother agrees and asks where and what to do. He doesn't pay attention when they leave with a business card and he doesn't listen to his mother's sobs on the drive home. 

San can't focused as they get home and pack his things, or when his brother hugs him goodbye before his mother places him back into the car and they leave again. He doesn't watch the road pass by, or acknowledge the car engine or radio. His head is silent as they pull into a large hospital looking building an hour later. He doesn't focus as they walk in and are greeted by two nurses. 

He definitely doesn't feel his heart stop when he hears one of the nurses speak to him. 

“Welcome to Hopeville Behavioral Health Rehabilitation Center, San.”


	2. [ 2 ]

San doesn't fully grasp what has happened, how it all ended up and the future he's bound to. 

Hopeville is nice, clean floors and a kind staff, but it's cold and anxiety inducing.

he wants to go home and pretend like today never happened, but that's just not possible. 

the nurse in front of him, a nice young man who's name tag says Joshua, is looking at him expectantly. waiting for San to follow him deeper into the ward.

San doesn't want to go, he's scared and worried and upset he grips the ends of his shirt, twisting the fabric and picking at the stitches. San gulps down the knot that's developed in his throat as Joshua speaks up, voice soft and kind to match the smile on his lips. 

"come on San, let's get you to your room..."

San doesn't reply, he can't. instead he nods his head barely a centimeter in acknowledgement, but Joshua sees and smiles wide. 

the brunette grabs his suitcase, rolling it behind him as he follows the nurse towards his new temporary home, into the psych-ward. 

San follows along, in perfect step behind Joshua, watching the floor as they walk with a hasty pace. 

the halls are fairly empty, and they only pass by one other person, another nurse. the sounds of foot falls and the wheels of Sans suitcase being the only noise to ground him. 

as they hit a final door, the metal painted white with thick glazed windows, Joshua speaks again.

"I know it'll be hard to adjust, but you'll make friends quick!" his smile is so sweet it makes sans jaw ache. "all the staff are here to help you if you need it, so just ask us okay?"

San felt himself nod along, although he doesn't fully process everything, but it seems to be enough for the nurse. 

they push through the door and San feels claustrophobic in a way, not because the room is small or that there's a crowd, but instead he feels small and watched. 

the door leads to a large open cafeteria slash rec-room, the ceiling is high and the walls painted half white at the top and soft blue at the bottom. half of the room is carpeted with couches and chairs place tastefully, while the other is lined with round school lunch tables.

there's a group of kids around his age sat around the TV in the rec area, some on the floor while others sit in the couches and chairs. San meets the gaze of one, a puppy eyed boy with a cute nose and black mullet. 

The kid his stare, and San feels uncomfortable. dark eyes rip into his being, looking at his flaws, his weight, his skin, his mind. 

San looks away first and silently continues to follow Joshua.

they follow the hallway that leads away from the main area and people, down the hall that has doors lined on each side, all opened and showing bedrooms.   
Joshua takes San to the far end of the hallway, to the second to last room that has the door almost closed. he hears Joshua let out an exasperated sigh and he watches as the nurse pushes the door open without knocking. 

inside is plain, with only two beds that have white and blue sheets, the walls are bare minus a few drawings taped above the currently occupied bed to the right of the room. 

the boy who sits on the bed is staring blankly at his lap, head down and blonde messy hair hangs over his face and obscuring sans view of it. he's wearing a loose white sweater, baggy and comfortable looking, and pale blue jeans with rips in the knees that showcase the bruises skin. 

San startles a but when Joshua speaks up, tone slightly annoyed. 

"Yunho, you've been told to keep the door open when you're alone!"

the boy, Yunho, hums as he looks up. San gets a better look now, and feels oddly sad about the others appearance. 

Yunho has dark eyes, but the bruises under them are darker. his skin is pale, with an almost grey tint to it, and his cheeks are less chubby than his round features would suggest they be. But the boy smiles, doppy and kind. 

"I haven't been alone long Shua, Mingi just left a minute ago!"

Joshua sighs again, but less annoyed this time. San sees him lift a hand to rub down his face. 

"Anyways..."

Josh turns to San, a tired smile on his lips, and gestures for the boy to step into the room. As he walks into the room and sets his bags down on the bed, Joshua continues. 

"this is San, he'll be your roommate until his stay is over, okay?"

Yunho smiles at San, and the boy can't help but send the smallest grin back at the puppy like kid.   
"Okay! It's nice to meet you, I'm Yunho!" 

"I'm San..."

Joshua speaks up quickly, tones apologetic now, and as sans gaze darts to the nurse he notices how frazzled he looks as he stares down at the pager in his hand.   
"I'm sorry San but I have to leave you now! Yunho, can you show San around and talk to him about the schedule?"

San frowns as Yunho replies, not understanding what they're talking about.

"Let me guess, Byeongkwan again?"

Joshua visibly cringes, face scrunching up and shoulder tensing. like he's trying to disappear, but he still forces a nod and sighs. 

"I've got to go... take care of him Yunho!"

before he leaves he looks at San, smile as sweet as before.   
"San, if you need anything just ask Me, Yunho, or any of the other nurses okay? don't be afraid to ask!"

and with that he's gone, sprinting down the halls like there's fire on his heels.

San sighs, letting his body sit on the surprisingly soft bed. he feels eyes on him and turns back to see Yunho staring at him, puppy eyes on full display.

"So... schedule!" the other announces, moving to stand up off his bed and stretch. San watches as Yunho stretches, arms going high up and popping his back with satisfying cracks, but something catches his eye. Yunho's sweater pulls up with his arms, and the marks on his stomach are too familiar, too similar to his own. his own stomach churns. 

Sans skin itches, deep under the layers that fingernails can't reach but metal can. he thinks about how Yunho shouldn't have those scars, because Yunho is too smiley and puppish, he deserves good grades and the only worry of acne before a date. 

those marks remind San of where he is and who's he's around. 

"... and introduce you-..San?"

the brunette blinks rapidly, eyes darting to meet Yunho's dark ones with confusion. the other just smiles awkwardly. 

"I'm sorry, what?" San asks in a small voice

Yunho just sweetens his smile and repeats himself.   
"I was just asking if you'd like to go meet some of my friends, it's always good to meet people here, helps recovery."

San blinks a bit dumbly as he takes in Yunho's words, anxiety burning in his chest at the thought of meeting new people. but maybe the blonde is right, that it could help? so San gently nods his head, earning another warm grin from the taller. Yunho gestures for San to follow, to which he does like an obedient puppy, and the two head out of the room, Yunho snorting to himself as he makes sure the door is wide open.

the walk back to the rec-room seems shorter than with Joshua, like they take two steps away from their room and bam they're there. 

San notes that there's less people sitting around now, only four boys. two are on the couch closest to the TV, one sits on the floor curled into himself, and the last one almost asleep in one of the chairs. 

Yunho looks back and smiles reassuringly at San, before walking straight towards the group. 

one of the boys, the only in the chair, turns towards the the two approaching, and San watches as a smile stretches on his lip, sharp dark eyes never leaving Yunho as he walks straight towards the guy. the blonde plops himself down on the arm of the chair, hands gripping the arms that almost immediately wrap around his waist. 

Yunho clears his throat, gaining the attention of the group. 

"guys, this is San. he's new!" 

San fidgets as all eyes land on him, and as he nervously looks around and almost freezes as he meets the gaze of the same guy from earlier. up close the boys gaze seems less threatening, and he can see the obvious curiosity in dark eyes. but as Yunho speaks up, San adverts his attention. 

"San, this is Minghao, Yeosang, Yeonkuk, and Mingi!"

As Yunho listed their names, he points at each person, letting San connect names easier. 

Minghao is the boy from earlier, with the mullet and dark eyes, he's wearing an oversized black tee shirt and light gray joggers, and sits with his legs pulled up onto the couch in a lazy but comfortable posture.  
beside him sits Yeosang, a very handsome guy with strong eyes, a small birthmark under one of them and a shy smile, unlike Minghao, Yeosang has a thin long sleeved black shirt and light colored jeans.   
on the floor is Yeonkuk, another stunning guy when he turns to look back at San, his hair is oddly wavy and soft looking, he's wearing a thick black hoodie that looks only a size too big and pale blue jeans like Yeosang.   
finally Mingi is harder to see, as he's hidden behind Yunho. but San can make out dyed red hair and sharp features that intimidate him despite the fact that the tall boys face is being squished up against Yunho's lower back. he's dressed much like Minghao, only the pants are replaced with black jeans. 

they all smile at San, even Minghao who accidentally does more of a grimace than smile.   
San smiles back shyly  
"nice to meet you guys..."

on the floor Yeonkuk speaks up first, a dazzling smile on his face that shows off his slightly too big front teeth and the dimple poked into his cheek.  
"come watch cartoons with us!" 

San watches as the wavy haired brunette pants the ground next to him, and San sends a glance at Yunho, like a child. Yunho just smiles and nods his head before turning to speak to Mingi softly. 

the brunette bits his lip, the anxiety still burning, and moves to sit next to Yeonkuk, the other brunette flinches slightly when Sans arm brushes his, and it makes San mutter an apology quickly. the other just shakes his head, but still leans away just a tad bit. 

San tries not to take it to heart, and instead watches the screen as it play.


End file.
